Why am I telling you this? For the simple reason that, for me, the vernal equinox is the REAL first day of Spring. It means that the days are getting longer, and the nights are getting shorter; that temperatures are going to start hitting the twenties on a daily basis; and that Winter is finally behind us.
So why, oh why, on god's green earth, would you spend this day in the Mall?????
I loathe the mall. I try to avoid going there as much as I can, but sometimes (as was the case this weekend) I have to make a trip. And when I do, I ensure that it is no longer than 1 to 2 hours of frenzied, sonic-the-hedgehog style grabbing and exiting at warp speed. In simple terms: I mission. And if there's one thing a person on a mission cannot stand, it's mall rats. Those mall frequenters who amble along the corridors, blocking your escape and thwarting every effort to overtake them by crab walking into your line of attack.
There are several very distinct types of mall trolls that you will inevitably encounter on a visit to the mall, and I have no doubt that many of you are already all too familiar with them...
The roamer: a person who appears to have no known purpose whatsoever, who is just aimlessly weaving from side to side, and will suddenly change direction with no warning, normally resulting in a clash of bodies and the spillage of groceries.
The shuffler: you have to look really closely to notice that this person is in fact moving forward, albeit at an excruciatingly slow pace, normally blabbing away on their cellphone completely unaware of your exasperated attempts to move past them.
The waddler: The plus-sized behemoth that seems to gyrate from side to side like a large boiled egg, and will no doubt have a partner/friend just as plus-sized who must walk alongside - thus ensuring complete domination of the corridor.
The stalker: a sneaky little bastard who tails you through the entire mall to take advantage of the path clearing skills you possess, thus ensuring that they travel comfortably whilst you take on all the congestion.
The blocker: there is always one mall rat who will not move out of your way, even though they can see you coming. As you go to overtake a group of waddlers, they will be coming in the opposite direction with as much intent as you have not to stray from their course.
The lingerer: normally lingerers hang out in packs, and are usually females between the ages of 13-16. These gaggles of giggling gerties will stand in groups just outside store entrances, therefore not only blocking the flow of traffic, but also hindering entrance to stores.
The trollie patrollie: a very common sight in the mall are the breeders. These yummy mummies inevitably have a trolley filled to the max with groceries, a toddler in the trolley seat, and one or two other kids hanging off the sides...and they also travel in packs. While the kids are darting in and out of traffic, these mummies yack away with each other and take up the entire corridor.
And finally, the marketer: that annoying guy that has a corridor stand in the middle of the mall, who attacks you with some promotion on hand-held back massagers or revolutionary new anti-aging potions - if I wanted your product, I would go to a shop and buy it.
My solution to all this madness?Find the loudest, most buggered up looking trolley (the one with the wonky wheel that looks like it wants to escape the mall as much as you do), and head down the middle of the corridor with serious intent. This is a sure way to part the traffic, as people will hear you coming, look around at your contraption of doom, and part like the red sea. Guaranteed.
So happy shopping to all you mall rats out there - I prefer to grow my own and only venture into the dark depths of consumerism when absolutely necessary, and preferably when the weather is shite and the rest of you all stay at home.
Happy National Heritage day all xxx
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